


Ghost

by blue_apple_eater



Category: Kamen Rider W (Double)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-06 16:47:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1109185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_apple_eater/pseuds/blue_apple_eater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first day is strange.  </p><p>Phillip is gone and Shotaro doesn't deal with it.</p><p>(Takes place between episode 48 and 49.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghost

The first day is strange.

Shotaro wakes up in the morning. He brushes his teeth, gets dressed, makes a cup of coffee, drinks the cup of coffee, and says 'good morning' to Akiko when she comes in. He doesn't really think about it when Akiko doesn't respond, he doesn't take note of the fact that Akiko's actually quiet today and that's not normal at all.

He finishes his cup of coffee, reads the paper, doesn't pick up on how Akiko's just sitting at the table, hands clasped, head bowed, shoulders hunched. The clock ticks. He doesn't really understand the article he's reading. It feels as if the words are all sliding off the paper, tumbling to the floor where the frog pod is hopping around inanely and that reminds him-

"Ah, that's right. Isn't Phillip up yet?" he asks, looking up at Akiko over the newspaper. "It's not like him to sleep in so late."

And Akiko just looks at him, her expression looking worried, looking like she might start crying, looking not normal at all, not okay, not fine, not all right and-

"Shotaro?" she asks, cautious, as if she speaks too loudly, he might break. "Shotaro, Phillip isn't…"

Oh.

"Ah, right. Right. I'm sorry," he says.

Akiko tells him that it's fine, he doesn't need to apologize, but he mentally reminds himself to not do that again, because Akiko is still shooting him concerned glances.

He has to protect Fuuto, he has to be a Kamen Rider by himself now, he says to himself, again, and again.

But it's hard to remember to not remember.

Shotaro thinks it might not be so bad right now if they hadn't been Double together. If Shotaro hadn't become so _comfortable_ with having Phillip's mind inside his head. Maybe then he wouldn't be so aware of the absence right now.

 

* * *

 

He goes about things the only way he knows how, trying to work around the vacant, gaping hole that's been left behind.

He does his investigating on foot, out in the city, like he used to do with his teacher. He focuses on the cases, the clients, and little else. Shotaro vaguely remembers Makura making some sort of comment on his 'newfound seriousness'. Jinno goes so far as to ask him if anything's wrong, and Shotaro can't seem to come up with an excuse, so he stays silent, and the two police officers don't ask again.

And even if Shotaro's been finding it more and more difficult to keep track of things, he takes painstaking effort to take care of Mick. (He certainly has experience with cats anyways, even if he's never owned one before.)

He keeps track of cases at the desk, not the garage. The garage is still untouched, unchanged. The words 'Charming Raven', _grave_ , still circled in red, still there. The few things, the few physical things that prove to the world that Phillip existed, that he was there, all this time.

There isn't a grave to visit, Sonozaki Raito never had a funeral, and neither did Phillip, but Shotaro likes to believe that the little things matter more. Surely a book, two words on a white board, a dry erase marker, a coffee cup, a drawer of clothes, a sofa bed that's never been folded out - these things should matter more than a headstone. Especially when Shotaro isn't sure which name would be engraved on it.

(He would want it to be just Phillip, but he wonders if his partner might want to hold onto his family still.)

 

* * *

 

"Shotaro." He's looking for a suspect for the current vandalism case, making his usual run through the area, and Akiko's following him again.

"Hm? What is it?" he asks, absentmindedly. Akiko's pace slows, and he matches her, puzzled. Soon they've come to a full stop. She's clasped her hands together, and the dreaded slipper is nowhere in sight – he hasn't seen it in a long time, actually.

Finally, Akiko shakes her head.

"Mm, never mind."

And Shotaro actually does consider just leaving it at that for a moment, but he can't let it go completely without asking, even if he knows that it probably won't amount to anything.

"What is it, all of a sudden?"

She doesn't appear to have an answer for him, even after he waits for several extra moments, just like he expected. In the end, he simply starts walking again, and Akiko follows.

They don't talk at all, for the rest of the time that Shotaro is searching. When they get back to the detective agency, Shotaro goes straight to his desk without another word.

At some point, he hears the door open and close, and then Akiko's gone.

 

* * *

 

"Hidari."

Shotaro blinks, Terui seeming to have come out of nowhere. He looks up at the other man from his desk of papers, the movement forcing him to acknowledge the overall stiffness that's taken hold of him, neck, hands, arms, back, everything, and it occurs to Shotaro that it's broad daylight now, even though he could have sworn it was still half past midnight just a moment ago, and he's quite sure that he didn't fall asleep.

Terui is still looking at him, and Shotaro gives a start, realizing that he's drifted off again.

"Ah," he fumbles. "Terui." Somehow he finds it tiring to draw in the additional air required to speak. "What is it? Is there a new case?"

Terui, arms folded across his chest – he's wearing black today – just continues to stare, face stern as usual, but there's something else there in his eyes that Shotaro can't seem to figure out.

"Hidari," he repeats, slowly. "This has to stop."

His mind really is mostly blank, because he can’t seem to form a response, or a question. He just stares straight ahead, trying to make his brain work.

"Chief is worried about you, she asked me to come over," Terui continues, shifting, glancing around at the files scattered across the floor, the four different used coffee mugs on the desk, and really, Shotaro hadn't noticed those before, oddly enough.

"Akiko," Shotaro murmurs.

"She's been staying at my place. She said that it's hard for her to be around you right now," Terui says. "I can see why."

"Oh." That's all Shotaro can seem to come up with. He fingers the corner of a manila folder. He hears Terui let out a sigh, leaning forward, tugging the folder away from Shotaro.

"When was the last time you slept?" he asks. Shotaro pauses, thinking about it. When he fails to reply, Terui adds, "How about the last time you ate?"

That one Shotaro might be able to answer. He pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Uh, yesterday," he tries. "Maybe." He hesitates. "What time is it?"

Terui tosses the file aside, gripping him by the arm, pulling him to his feet.

"Time to snap out of it," Terui informs him. "And to stop running yourself into the ground." Shotaro makes a small noise of protest, but he can't shake Terui's hand off. The words 'I'm fine' are on the tip of his tongue, but he falters, unable to get them out.

Instead, he feels his entire frame sag, and he lets Terui pull him away from his work.

 

* * *

 

It takes a little while, but Shotaro manages to find his new center. He can go to sleep without hearing the echoes of Phillip's ravings about some outlandish topic in the garage. He remembers to eat even though he never feels like eating anything.

Terui comes over whenever he can, and Akiko comes back and returns to living in the detective agency like before. Eventually, Akiko comes back to her louder, enthusiastic self, even if she still is significantly calmer than she used to be, and the green slipper returns to its former residency. It's the closest to normal Shotaro can manage.

So he doesn't mention to anyone that he still gets the feeling that Phillip is just right behind the garage door, whenever he's inside the detective agency. He still flips open the stag phone to call, he still waits an extra moment after he's about to transform into Joker, because he's still waiting to hear the familiar 'cyclone'.

He still feels like if he were to turn around, he'd find Phillip standing right behind him, smiling, saying 'hey, Shotaro' just as usual, just as usual.

When he does obey the impulse, when he does turn, he doesn't find his partner.

But he thinks to himself, I just missed him. Maybe. Maybe he'll be there next time.

And then, a year has passed.


End file.
